無(wú)錫雅思作文評(píng)改：化學(xué)物質(zhì)用于食品生產(chǎn)和保存的優(yōu)劣勢(shì)

在多年的雅思寫作教學(xué)過(guò)程中，唐老師發(fā)現(xiàn)眾多烤鴨面臨一個(gè)難解的尷尬局面：自己練習(xí)寫了很多作文，但寫作水平卻不見(jiàn)實(shí)質(zhì)性提升，最后考試成績(jī)依然維持在以前的檔次。這其實(shí)就涉及到作文修改的問(wèn)題。唐老師的基本觀點(diǎn)是：烤鴨寫完習(xí)作后，一定要請(qǐng)行家修改自己的作文，指出問(wèn)題及改進(jìn)的辦法。在這里，“行家”就顯得尤其重要：如果修改僅僅發(fā)生在語(yǔ)言表達(dá)層面，而沒(méi)有涉及思維層面，那么學(xué)生從修改里收獲的進(jìn)步就一定是非常有限的。為此，唐老師準(zhǔn)備從本期開(kāi)始，推出“雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列”，每期精選出一篇有典型意義的學(xué)生習(xí)作，并詳細(xì)加以修改點(diǎn)評(píng)，希望讀者能從唐老師的修改中得到有益的啟發(fā)。本期給各位烤鴨準(zhǔn)備的話題是關(guān)于“化學(xué)物質(zhì)用于食品生產(chǎn)和保存的優(yōu)劣勢(shì)”。

題目

 

Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages?

 

學(xué)生習(xí)作

 

It has been claimed that people use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation. My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

 

It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessman gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. If not adding some chemicals ingredients to protect food, merchants will suffer great economic damages.

 

However, there are several disadvantages of over-use chemicals. One the one hand, some of the chemicals ingredients cannot be resoled by digest system, which could effects human health. If chemicals remain in people body for a long time, it may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease etc. One the other hand, remain chemicals’ elements also damage natural environment. Some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot resole by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food, the may died by those poison food. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers, also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity.   

 

In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages. If people control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and also can enhance the human condition.               

 

總體評(píng)價(jià)

評(píng)分：按照雅思寫作評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的四個(gè)方面，唐老師給本習(xí)作的評(píng)分如下：Task response: 6.5; Coherence: 6.5; Vocabulary: 5.5; Grammar: 5.5。Overall: 6

總體評(píng)價(jià)：內(nèi)容沒(méi)有很大問(wèn)題，相當(dāng)通順，邏輯和觀點(diǎn)都比較清楚，但出現(xiàn)了一些基本的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤和用詞錯(cuò)誤，拉低了得分，相當(dāng)遺憾！

建議：確保簡(jiǎn)單句子不出錯(cuò)誤，用詞方面一定要確保表達(dá)思想，不一定復(fù)雜。

 

逐句修改

 

第1段：It has been claimed that people use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation. My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

 

【唐老師修改】It has been claimed by many that there is nothing wrong using chemicals in food production and preservation. My view, however, is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh its advantages.

 

【唐老師點(diǎn)評(píng)】it has been claimed...后面應(yīng)該接一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)，但原文不是一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)，只是一種現(xiàn)象。

 

 

第2段：It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessman gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. If not adding some chemicals ingredients to protect food, merchants will suffer great economic damages.

 

【唐老師修改】It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessmen gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easy to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. Without some chemical ingredients to protect them, merchants will suffer heavy economic losses.

 

【唐老師點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段錯(cuò)誤不多，稍微改正，感覺(jué)可以沖7分了。(1) businessman是單數(shù)，此處宜做復(fù)數(shù)；（2）vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale...中的easily是副詞，這里宜用形容詞easy或者vegetables and fruits easily become stale...；（3）if not adding some chemical ingredients...是非常典型的中式表達(dá)，相當(dāng)于“不如不添加一些化學(xué)成分”，但其實(shí)最合適的英文表達(dá)是“without some chemical ingredients” （如果沒(méi)有一些化學(xué)成分”）；（4）economic damages表達(dá)不合適，宜為economic losses.

 

 

第3段：However, there are several disadvantages of over-use chemicals. One the one hand, some of the chemicals ingredients cannot be resoled by digest system, which could effects human health. If chemicals remain in people body for a long time, it may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease. One the other hand, remain chemicals’ elements also damage natural environment. Some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot resole by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food, they may died by those poison food. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers, also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity.  

 

【唐老師修改】However, there are several disadvantages of over-using chemicals. One the one hand, some chemicals cannot be resolved by digestive system, and cause harmful effects on human health. If chemicals remain in our body for a long time, they may lead to diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease. One the other hand, chemicals also damage natural environment. For instance, some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot be resolved by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. If animals drink the water or eat the food, they may be poisoned. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers, and cause habitat destruction, which accounts for the loss of biodiversity.   

 

【唐老師點(diǎn)評(píng)】這個(gè)段落原文共143個(gè)單詞，8個(gè)句子，卻出現(xiàn)了多達(dá)12個(gè)基本語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤！這樣的作文，就算思想再深刻，得分也不可能高于6分。（1）over-use chemicals應(yīng)為over using chemicals，或者chemical over-use（把over-use當(dāng)作名詞使用）；（2）some of the chemicals應(yīng)為some chemicals。Some of the...指某一范圍內(nèi)的“一些”，some...則沒(méi)有限定范圍；（3）digest system應(yīng)為digestive system（消化系統(tǒng)）；（4）effects應(yīng)為affect（影響）；（5）people body應(yīng)為our body; （6）it應(yīng)為they，這里代詞指代的是前文的復(fù)數(shù)chemicals。代詞使用是中國(guó)英語(yǔ)學(xué)習(xí)者的一個(gè)很大的難題，經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)錯(cuò)誤。（7）remain chemicals’ elements似乎想表達(dá)“殘留的化學(xué)成分”，但完全不符合規(guī)范，不如直接說(shuō)“化學(xué)物質(zhì)”（chemicals），考試中不要試圖去表達(dá)不會(huì)表達(dá)的內(nèi)容。（8）protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects應(yīng)為...protect agricultural products from being destroyed by harmful insects，或者更簡(jiǎn)潔的...protect agricultural products from harmful insects. （9）cannot resolve應(yīng)為被動(dòng)語(yǔ)態(tài)cannot be resolved。（10）they may died by those poison food應(yīng)為they may die from those poisoned food，但前文提及water 和food，因而這里僅說(shuō)poisoned food也不合適，因此宜改為they may be poisoned。（11）...the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers中，主語(yǔ)是the contaminants，謂語(yǔ)是pour into rivers，兩者是被動(dòng)關(guān)系，因此應(yīng)該是...the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers。（12）...in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity中it指代不明。

第4段：In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages. If people control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and also can enhance the human condition.    

 

【唐老師修改】In conclusion, the disadvantages of chemical use in food production and preservation far outweigh the advantages. Though it helps increase profits for businesses, it may cause great dangers to our life as well as the environment. If we control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and our living conditions will also be improved.    

 

【唐老師點(diǎn)評(píng)】結(jié)尾沒(méi)有總結(jié)出全文觀點(diǎn)，修改文黑體字增加了一句總結(jié)觀點(diǎn)。最后一句中，people, we, human condition不停轉(zhuǎn)換，代詞游離不定，讓人著急，可以統(tǒng)一為人稱。

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